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10 Reasons Why Dhoom:3 Sucks

Category: , , By Vikas Rawat
So, finally.. Dhoom:3 has released! Yaay! Hmm.

With the third film in the franchise, and one more to come, we’ll now have more Dhoom films than pictures of Aditya Chopra (the last one in media circulation was taken during his reaction at Uday Chopra’s birth). But more on that later.

This film is everything a Bollywood film is not. It has Action. Romance. Comedy. Katrina Kaif. Cars. Gays. Bikes. A foreign country. Firangi girls.An ADORABLE side-kick (But more on that later). Pritam’s songs. Amitabh Bachchan’s son. Bhoot uncle. And Rancho.

But most importantly, it is directed by the director of one of India’s most successful blockbuster MIND-a-BLOWING musical-action films of all time - ‘Tashan’. I can imagine the conversation during pre-production.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. So who can direct Dhoom:3? I need the name of a guy who’s made the best action film in India.

Advisors: Sir, Vijay Krishna Acharya. He made ‘Tashan’.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. He wrote that too?

Advisors: Er,, Umm.. Yes.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. that’s a good film to show off. Will he direct my brother?

Advisors: Yes sir. But double money.

Aditya Chopra: Done. Bula do use.

And thus, we had 20th December as Dhoomsday.

So without much ado, let’s jump into the 10 reasons why Dhoom:3 is India’s most SUCKcessful fim.

1. Uday Chopra

No “10 Reasons why something sucks” list is incomplete without mentioning Uday Chopra. I’m sure Katrina probably slashed her fee by half in exchange for not being in the same frame as Uday Chopra.
The day I saw him on the poster, I knew the film was Dhoomed. Why don’t they just kill him off? Or his character? There’s a reason he’s not being seen in any films. There’s a reason he’s now producing and directing films and wreaking havoc in other aspects of filmmaking. Because acting, with that face, is REALLY not what Uday Chopra should be doing. I’m not even talking about good/bad looks. It’s.. just that face.

Testing your patience as the irritating Ali, he is bearable in the bits where he’s doing comedy. But the times when he tries “classy” and “style”, you’re thinking “shoot” and “kill”. The only thing he’s doing through most of the film is ducking Abhishek’s and Aamir’s vehicles (think Autos, bikes, cars, helicopters). You can almost hear a soft “damn” coming from the audiences when he misses the vehicles, in ssslllloooooooww mootttiioooooon..

2. Dance       

The film opens with Aamir doing what looks like a tap dance, but with the way he is stomping the ground, ends up looking like a “I hate the Earth” campaign. It’s more likely he took ‘Thulp the tomatoes” classes that tap dance ones. The dances are just elaborately bad.


3. Aamir-Katrina Pairing

Seeing Aamir and Katrina stick together and dance feels like a Tetris game, where you’re placing a 2 blocker on a 4 blocker line. Aamir and Katrina’s love story could alternatively be titled “How to love a Giraffe”. The chemistry between them is as hot as a piece of withering scientist in a tent in Antarctica.

I’m told the initial reason to have 2 Aamirs in the film was so they could stack one Aamir over another and have that kissing scene with Katrina. Because now that Aamir is done with, the only Khan remaining in her ‘kiss’ list is Kader Khan.

4. Length

No. This is not a point about Aamir Khan’s height. At a running time of close to 3 hours, the film is so long, that I could watch Uday Chopra get old and retire from life. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

5. Plot

The plot of the film is as original as Koena Mitra’s nose. Copying heavily from Nolan’s “The Prestige”, the plot is too drawn out and cumbersome. Also, the day Chicago police call on the Indian police to help solve a local case, will be the day of declaration of Nicki Minaj as a radioactive substance.

6. Katrina Kaif

Now we all know that people normally go to see Katrina Kaif. See. Not act. And yet, you know you’re losing your value for money when she appears in ragged baggy clothes, if even for a few minutes. I mean.. WHAT does the audience do when Katrina is fully clothed in baggy clothes? Some people stole a quick nap while I shot off that important mail till she started removing her clothes one by one in that song, ending with putting her leg over Aamir’s shoulder. Half-way during “Kamli Kamli”, you almost think she is going to start using Aamir as a prop, jump over him, throw him around etc.  I’m sure she was brought on the project (in general words ‘paid’) to dance and sing and to take on the combined acting might of Uday Chopra and his bike. But the makers gave her a scene or two where she had to emote. She looked in pain and couldn’t wait to get her eyebrows back to normal. It was painful to sit through.

7. Dialogues

The film, written by the same genius that directed this wreck, is littered with dialogues that make you cringe. There’s a scene where Abhishek is looking (with those eyes, it could be at Uday or the director) and declares this gem - “Mujhe chupi hui cheez ko dhoondne main maza aata hai”. Hume bhi film main acting dhoondne ki bohot koshish ki, par maza nahi aaya.

8. Action

Though Aamir Khan is shown as a bank robber, not ONCE do we see how he robs a bank. He just enters a building, and escapes. Half the film is made of chase sequences. Repetitive and boring. Aamir’s bike has more transformations than Uday Chopra has had roles in his career. But even that does not take away from the monotony.

9. Director

Vijay Krishna Acharya, the director of ‘Dhoom:3’ stimulates our brain cells. By killing them, one at a time. With mind-numbing action, an elongated story and plain, bad direction Vijay Krishna Acharya comes up with a film that rivals his previous gem ‘Tashan’. And that’s saying something.

10. VFX

The film is about bank robberies and every time Aamir escapes, he comes down with the money. But no. he cannot come down with the stairs or lift. Because that’s toooo main stream, right? He runs down a building like its’ a jogging track, of course in slooooooow-mooootion, with such a weird expression on his face, that you want to smack him so the face becomes normal again. And with an actor like Aamir, it takes special effort to evoke such feelings. Even the snow at the beginning of the film looks like someone is furiously rubbing thermacole from the roof. Some of the effects are good. But when you forcefully do something that looks bad, it looks bad.



Amidst all this tomfoolery, Aamir has acted well in certain sections, except for the parts where he has to act like Rancho meets Hritik from “Koi Mil Gaya”. But even he can’t do much for a film like this, not even if you add 2, 3 or 4 Aamirs.

All in all, Dhoom:3 is a very good film that could be considered for the Oscars next year. Interesting trivia: The film’s title comes in after about 15 minutes as we see Aamir Khan, just so we know we aren’t watching “The Hobbit”. Which SHOULD be what you must watch in the theatres. Dhoom:3? Wait till this one comes on TV.




 

14 comments so far.

  1. Anonymous December 25, 2013 at 10:26 PM
    I think this is hilarious!

    I’m told the initial reason to have 2 Aamirs in the film was so they could stack one Aamir over another and have that kissing scene with Katrina.

    Hahaha! Epic stuff.
  2. Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 1:21 AM
    Howlarious!
  3. sona sharma December 26, 2013 at 1:37 AM
    Vikaaasssss loved it.super hilarious n authentic description. Thank u.i thoroughly enjoyed it.
  4. Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 9:47 AM
    You have way too much time to spare Vikas!
  5. Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 9:51 AM
    It's kinda pathetic when the likes of you rave about the same stuff in Hollywood flicks but can't help ranting when it's a Bollywood attempt.....no wonder our country languishes...sad sad state of affairs
  6. Suraj Singh December 26, 2013 at 1:34 PM
    Reason 5, super like.... the movie literally sucks.....
  7. Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 3:11 PM
    dude seriously?? u did not like the tap dancing song?? that was an overwhelming attempt to write something smart and funny!!
  8. Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 6:41 PM
    Half-way during “Kamli Kamli”, you almost think she is going to start using Aamir as a prop, jump over him, throw him around etc
    Hllarious!!!!

    ROFL!!!! this was worth reading.
  9. vaibhavaghor December 27, 2013 at 12:18 PM
    Hi Vikas the review is fantastic I just wanted permission to copy it on my facebook update as many of my friends in Us and India are dying to see Aamir Khan after a long time
  10. Anonymous December 28, 2013 at 10:09 PM
    Bravo!! This is so elegantly put and so hilarious xD nice work! Love reading your posts
  11. Vikas Rawat December 30, 2013 at 1:58 AM
    To the bouquets and the brickbats - Thank you :)

    @vaibhavaghor Yes, please!
  12. Anonymous January 23, 2014 at 12:54 PM
    I loved the "i hate the earth campaign" , & imho uday is much more better (acting wise) than few of the others in the industry, including tusshar kapoor
  13. Anonymous February 20, 2014 at 2:49 AM
    Amazing Review. I had the bad fortune of watching Kamli on TV, stunned, I ended up trolling the web for reviews on dhoom 3. Should say I was literally ROFL on every one of your points. Good job dude!
  14. Anonymous April 11, 2014 at 12:24 AM
    Hahahaha. Literally ROFL. This is my first time in your blog. Absolutely hilarious. I was trying to be quite cos my roommates' sleeping, but cudn't stop laughing after

    "The plot of the film is as original as Koena Mitra’s nose"

    Awesome. Now I have to read all your reviews. :)

    -Naomi

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